A bit of a do

Many years ago I was invited to Louise's very posh wedding. Louise had had numerous boyfriends, concurrently and consecutively: and she was pregnant.

Arrived early, decided to visit the local pub for a drink. Inside was a wedding party: a groom and family. It looked and sounded as though they had been there a considerable time. The mother: large, garrulous and wearing a very tight fitting dress which revealed most of her huge bosom told her son repeatedly that he needn't go through with the wedding. The son was having none of it.

I departed the happy family, legged it to the church and having made myself as comfortable as was possible on the hard pews listened to the organ. After a while, stirring, in walks the groom and family: indeed the self-same family I had witnessed in the pub. This should be interesting I thought, can't wait for the reception and the mother-of-the-groom venting her spleen and frustration.

Time passed, the organist was going frantic as she went through her repertoire for the third time. No sign of the bride. Was the mother-of-the-groom to enjoy a happy ending to the day? The groom walked out of the church, I assumed to relieve himself as the effects of copious consumption of beer took hold.

Then, the groom shot back into the church, closely followed by the bride. The vicar, who had been notable by his absence until the bride arrived, announced to the congregation the reason for the delay. He had been the anchor man in the village tug-o-war team and just couldn't down rope for a trifling matter such as a wedding.

The wedding ceremony went well, save for a few grunts and sighs from the mother-of-the groom. Her husband, I was told at the reception, had divorced her some years previously and had not been invited to the wedding. Lucky fellow, I thought.

The wedding photographs were taken: no show from the mother of the now husband of Louise.

I don't remember much about the reception save for one comment by the mother: well I did warn you not to marry that slut said she as she stormed out of the reception with a man whom I took to be her boyfriend. The mother had seen the bride and best man passionately groping each other in a corridor.

Then a fight broke out involving the husband, the best man and sundry members of the two families. I repaired to the bar.