A Sherwood resident speaks.

A spoof article by a Sherwood resident has come into my possession (don't ask!).  Now don't go all po-faced on me.

 Major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Tunbridge Wells in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre on Sherwood. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Farkinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic abandoned cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Kent FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened on Sherwood. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently the usual evening activities of drinking, snorting and shooting up were unaffected.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners, tobacco tins containing the owner's works and small brown envelopes containing pocket mirrors, razor blades and stolen credit cards.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his in size small and hers in size XXXL)
Shell suits (female XXXL)
White nike trainers
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£10 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
and fags and a lighter for the over 8 year-olds.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,

"Sherwood" said the girl, "wossat gotta bleeding do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Sherwood - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.